A few nights ago I had a great talk with God. He gave me a pretty big revelation about where I am at right now. I have been constantly yearning to be back at the place where I used to be. To explain, the year after I had graduated from college where I was really seeking hard after the Lord. I was studying the Bible and praying on a very consistent basis. It was a great time where I was conquering sin and triumphing over my flesh. I was having fun, and I was taking real joy in being a Christian. Eventually that fell away as my life got taken into other distractions. Those things not being bad, but I was consumed by them. I was struggling to become a fiancé and then a husband, then it was trying to get a stable job that I could do well at. Then it was still trying to be a better husband. Those were things that I did not know how to excel at so I tried. A bigger problem was me becoming lazy. Well, I won't say lazy. A friend of mine said that it was really just being afraid, and that calling myself lazy was a cop out and just hurting myself. You can't fight against what you don't think exists. That fear really took hold of me and it keeps me at home in my protective shell. It held me on my couch, it held me in front of the tv, it help me to playing video games. I rarely stuck my neck out there out of a fear that I would be laughed at or get hurt. That is not a way to live. That is my not so brief explanation.
As I said, I have been constantly trying to get back to that place I was the year after I graduated. The thing God revealed was that if I continue to yearn and desire to be back at that place then I will never be able to reach new places that would allow me to experience new and amazing things about Him. When I was looking back onto the things that I have done, I totally missed out on the things that God would have me do now and has planned for me to do in the future. It was a funny thing to listen to myself say that last night because I already knew that but I never knew it. That is sort of hard to explain so I am not going to even try, just take my word for it. I had fun talking with God for the first time in a long time last night. I laughed and smiled and enjoyed myself.
The best part about it is that I even was able to stave off distraction and preoccupation. I guess a large part of that has to do with the fact that I was in the bed about to go to sleep. But my self was trying to jut in and disrupt the conversation and lead me down another road. Then it brought to mind things I think I should worry about. I was able, by the grace of God, to quell those thoughts of worry. (There's no since in worrying about something you can't do anything about, at least as far as my job is concerned)
So I am hoping that this will be the beginning of something beautiful, something of substance and purpose. I long for a future day when I will be able to experience God more fully. I caught a taste that night and I really don't want to let go.


Seeing as this is the first thing I have written in a very long time, I am guessing that it's probably pretty good to start at a beginning. Hopefully I haven't been completely deserted. I will not write every day, I may not write even once a week, but I hope you keep reading as it will be more frequent than it has been. Have a wonderful night.

The Value of a Good Book

Now is my time to put on my grandpa pants and complain about this generation and the one that is following. No one nowadays knows the true value of a good book. We are instant gratification addicts who have no time to wait on something to resolve. I must admit that I am coming from a slightly biased point of view. My parents always read books, some good, some undoubtedly bad, but I grew up with my entire family pressing their noses into the pages of a book. So mu frustration at the following situation is pretty understandable. It was New Year's Eve in 2004 and I was at a friend's house in Atlanta to make dinner with a bunch of friends and ring in the new year together. We made homemade pasta and then proceeded to enjoy a fine feast with great conversation. The evening was moving onward quite well until his little brother walked into the room. He was apparently supposed to be doing a book report over the holiday. He asked us our opinions on what he should do, should I read a new book or should I just do a report of one I already read. Apparently he had done a book report on that one a few years back as well. Out of about fifteen or twenty people I was the only one advocating him reading a new book. When I asked them about this, his older brother said that the only book he reads is the Bible. While reading the Bible is an admirable and necessary thing to do, it is not the only thing that needs to be read.

I left that night a bit discouraged. What is this world coming to if people don't read? It may seem trivial in comparison to other things, but it's importance cannot be measured. The consequences of people not being well read is a society that does not think for itself. We have lost a lot of the philosophers and intellectuals that used to be so prevalent. Education has become a thing where you are only studying so that you can pass, not so that you can learn. Where have all the letter writers gone? In this me-centric instant communication age we have lost a lot. Many people do not read anything, but sit in front of the television and vegetate for hours on end. I am guilty of this so don't get the wrong idea. What would happen in society if everyone gave up TV for one year? What would happen if the channels stopped broadcasting for an entire year? I think that it would be something that would be wonderful, although we all would go through withdrawals for a time(myself very much included).

I was 'indoctrinated' as a child that reading is good an profitable. My favorite books when I was young were The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy. It is truly an amazing thing when you can get lost in a book. It is one of my favorite things to do. Reading a book does not have to be a chore. There is something out there for everyone, something that will enrich your mind and your life. It is a shame when someone does not use their resources, but cowers behind their supposed lack of desire to read. That leads to taking other people's words as gospel and never being able to form your own opinion. That is a crime and a damn shame. Your mind will go to waste if it is not continually stimulated.

All that to say this, I love books. I have more books right now than I will read. (Although some of those are Heather's) Reading opens your mind up to different viewpoints, different opinions, different perspectives, different worlds. You do yourself a disservice if you do not continually turn the page.

Anyway, read, it's good for you.

Longing for the Past

Have you ever yearned for a time where you could go back and it could 'be like it was?' I have imagined something like that for the longest time. For a good while, my relationship with God has been somewhat strained. Not by anything that has happened to me or any other circumstance, but because of my laziness. There used to be a time where I was absolutely loving studying the Bible and praying constantly and really being able to get something out of the church sermons. I felt really in touch with Him and a lot of the problems I have been dealing with now were not even on the horizon. But my laziness got the best of me and it has been a long struggle to get back to where I was and I am nowhere close. My thought about that is, I don't need to be striving to get back to where I was, and that if God wants me there He will lead me there. Don't get me wrong, this is not a fatalistic approach toward my faith. This is more of an attidude that says, "Father, I have been away from You for quite some time. I don't know what is in store for me, but I do not want it to look like my life over the past few years. I want it to be one where I am constantly trying to follow you, praying, reading the Word, loving my family. I know that I will never have a trouble free life, but I want that trouble that I do experience to be something that pushes me to follow even harder after you."


So, after that long explanation, let's get to the topic. I don't think that we need to sit around waiting for the past to catch up with us so we can get back to life like it was. Living in the past prevents us from being prepared to live for the future. Dwelling on the past and longing for it puts us into a funk. That funk is something that really messes with our lives and minds. All of us have known someone who has been stuck in the past. They live to tell people of their past accomplishments and try to recreate the situations that they were in. People like that try to be in a position where they can feel like they used to. They know that there will never be a time where their lives will fully mirror what the past was but every time they get that feeling, they count it as a big accomplishment and milestone in their lives. I have definitely been that person.



I have felt this very much throughout my short life. I have been trying to recreat the past and live in it. I have been trying to ge tthe feeling back that I had when I was really close to God. Trying to read the same books, trying to study the same passages, pray the same things, have the same friends. Every time one of the pieces of my past fell into my future I felt like I had truly accomplished something. The problem is, what did that really accomplish? I had been so busy trying to live in the past, to be that same person that I have missed out on the things that matter and have missed out on new things that God was trying to teach me. It got me to a point where I was so overwhelmed I couldn't do anything. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to stay in the past and try to be that person. It's like I was asleep and dreaming of the past, hoping that I would find myself back at college my freashman year, or maybe on campus in January when no one else is there, just taking a walk. Trying to force myself to relive the past makes me incapable of being who I am in the present and who I am to be in the future. I pray that we become people who look to that time when we are to be with Christ, while living in the present like we are with Him.





On a side note, while I was writing this I was reading some of my old journals. I used to write poetry a lot, and not a lot had been seen. Reading this one again makes me think that I was writing that for me today to help shake me and make me move. I don't share this stuff a lot, but I was reading Ephesians and I think verse 5:14 said, "Awake, o sleeper, and rise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you." That is why I wrote this, now I can only hope and pray that we will all rise up and wake from our slumber. Tomorrow is a new day!











Arise O' Sleeper





Sleeper, arise from your deadly rest,



From your blind obedience to the prince of death.


Follow now the Son of the Eternal King,


And while on this earth His praises sing.


His Word will light your path, your way,


So that from the narrow you will ne'er stray.


This Christ, the Messiah, your Savior be,


The Son of God revealed you now see.


His gruesome death has brought us peace,


And given us a garment without crease.


Our winless strife with God now done,


Because of the price paid by His Son.


That blood now is our cleansing flow,


Awake O' Sleeper, arise and go.

We All Want to Play a Part

I was walking to my table in O'Henry's on my way back from my car to grab my bag and I saw a group of four people sitting at a table together. They had the table full of papers, books, computers, elbows and coffee cups run dry. That type of interaction got me thinking. I want to be a part of something big. At some point in everyone's life they feel a desire to be something bigger than themselves. I am totally convinced of this. This ties in a lot to a few of the other posts in the fact that the 'something bigger' for everyone should hit on their passion and that every 'something bigger' has a hedgehog concept.

This idea begs a little bit of clarification on my part. I know that we are already a part of something bigger. God gives His children a passion for Him but there is something that while we are here on earth He gives us so that we can pour ourselves into it. For some it's sports, for some it's politics, others have books to write or want to help the homeless. All of those things have singular points that those people are focusing all of their attention onto. It's like a magnifying glass on an anthill, the beam of light is focused and hot and consuming. I mentioned a while ago that I am a renaissance man of mediocrity, good at a lot of things, not great at anything; I want that to change. A big problem is that I can write about this stuff all day long and never get anywhere. I can discuss methods of reducing poverty, but I am rarely willing to help someone in need. So how does one really put all of their umph into something? I've never done that so I don't know. That's what amazes me about the CEOs in the Good to Great book. At one company, after the CEO and other executives retired, they still held offices at the company because they loved what they did so much and they had put all of their lives into it. Who doesn't want to be involved in something that they never want to get out of? The problem with that it, how do you find it? Do you pick and choose out of a variety of things? Will my passion fall into my lap? Do I have to seek it out? The answer is probably the latter. Hopefully I can come up with a satisfactory answer to this. My next post is going to be on the question 'why?' The answer to that, however deep I decide to go, will probably show me what my passion is. I think that will be a fun topic, so keep on reading. Thanks for taking the time today and have a wonderful night.

It's Not About Me...What???!!!

Yeah, that's a newsflash. It's not about me. How do you figure? If it's not about me, then what is it about? So many questions! I have been trying, however unsuccessfully, to read through The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. The first day...THE FIRST DAY...he decides to throw a curveball and shake the foundation of how I live my life. How dare he?! That just seems mean. To disrupt the life of a person who is just happy going through life without a care in the world other than himself is something out of the worst suspense movie you have ever watched. It's like having the Shyamalan twist at the beginning. It's like having the chain come off of the bike before you put your feet in the pedals. Well, there's nothing left to do but admit that he has found me out. A lot of my life has been lived trying to please myself. Selfishness is what some people call it, and if I recall, I touched on this on a previous post. Living in marriage has shown how much my life has been wrapped up in myself. I have pursued things that in the end would make me comfortable and happy. Manipulating the situation so that the outcome is favorable to me is a task I take to like a seasoned pro. Heather, my wife, has really made me realize more of the depth of my selfishness. The problem is, how does one correct this internal issue? The answer, I don't know. Some say that the first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging that it exists. So there it is, I have a problem with being selfish. This issue pours into all other aspects of my life, especially the small stuff. I am selfish with my time, selfish with my wife, selfish with my things, selfish with my abilities. Whenever I am shown some of that, it makes me cringe. That's where Heather comes into play. She is usually the one who points out those things and it is exceptionally hard to hear from her since she is the one who I never want to let down. The thing about that is, and I hope that everyone has someone like this, when she points something out like that, she shows me grace. She does not give me a free pass, but I never doubt the fact that she loves me and that will never change. She is a great picture of the way that God relates to each of His children. He promises to discipline us but His love for us and His grace never change.

Sorry to divert the conversation a bit right there, so back to it. Selfishness is like a drug which, once in the veins, begins to run through the entire system, not missing a spot. It infects every aspect of my life. I am thankful that it seems t have gotten a bit better, although Heather would be a better judge of that than me. I guess the point of this post is that it's good to know that it's not about me. That takes a load of pressure off. I don't have to continue to manipulate situations in order to feel good about myself or to get the joy that I seek. Seeing the world without me-colored glasses also enriches the relationships that you would have. You are not concerned with your own needs but can really focus on the other person and that leads to a deeper, mre fruitful interaction. Anyway, what glasses are you wearing today?

PS...Sorry about the promise of a double dip yesterday...it was postponed until today. Have fun with it.

Outside

I absolutely love to sit in coffee shops, drink the brew and read and write. As a matter of fact, I am sitting inside that new O'Henry's right now. I had planned to write about something else following up the last post. We will pick that back up next time, which may be in about ten minutes. You get a double dip today! That's right, congratulations!

Anyway, I was going outside to get my bag of books which I always seem to leave in the car, and when I gt to my car I just stopped. For some reason, at that moment, I actually looked around. I looked at the sunset which was a slightly faded orange tinged with gold surrounded by some dusty looking clouds. There was a gap in the clouds in which you could see a lit up blue sky that seemed to flash a bit with some yellow of the sun. My whole body could actually feel outside. Have you ever felt like this before? It felt like my whole soul was appreciating the beauty and complexity of it all. Only one other time have I felt like this and it was at night when I was staring up, dwelling on the enormity and cavernous space that we are in. It makes you feel small, but somehow lucky. Lucky to be able to behold something that is so beautiful and so complex and so diverse. It's at times like these that I am assured that there is a God and He is good and good at what He does. How does one believe that this all happened by accident. To imagine all of the things going on within mybody right now as I type. All of the synapses and nodes and things that I don't know how to spell. It is truly amazing. Anyway, I just thought that this was a good thing to hit on. Every once in a while we all need to take a step back and just enjoy what God has allowed us to behold. It's at times like this that we can understand our smallness and His greatness.

Ok, I'm done rambling. Step outside and feel. Sorry, now I'm done.

My Passion

I don't know what I am good at. I don't know what my passion is. This is something I have been thinking about for the past few weeks. What prompted this line of thought is my reading of Good to Great by Jim Collins. He details these companies who were nothing more than bottom feeders of their industry but through certain things at a well defined transition point became industry leaders and sustained those results for over fifteen straight years. One thing that made these companies great is something called their Hedgehog Concept. He and the people he did research with came up with this idea from a story(you can read the book for it) but came to this conclusion from it. "Hedgehogs simplify a complex world into a single organizing idea, a basic principle or concept that unifies and guides everything...For a hedgehog, anything that does not somehow relate to the hedgehog idea holds no relevance" He goes on to say, "A Hedgehog Concept is not a goal to be the best, a strategy to be the best, an intention to be the best, a plan to be the best. It is an understanding of what you can be the best at. The distinction is absolutely crucial."

Being halfway decent at a lot of things is something I am great at but I do not have something that I am the 'best' at. I don't have that goal out in front of me to which all the lines and paths and stories of my life converge. It is sort of disheartening to never be able to excel. Maybe it comes out of being disorganized in my life, but in reality, it's probably because I am afraid. Being the best at something means being held to a different standard. There are new sets of expectations if you are the best at something. That line of thought has hamstrung me throughout my life. It is a crippling thing, being afraid. I don't want other people to be let down if I don't live up to their expectations. The thought of 'rocking the boat' or causing someone to be uncomfortable or chasing someone away strikes fear into my heart and when that happens my actions freeze. My motivation drains away and I remain mediocre. That is probably a pretty accurate word to use to describe my life so far, mediocre with a few high points.

So where is my Hedgehog Concept? What is my goal? What is that one point out before me that I need to focus on right now? That is something I cannot answer right now. My hope is that through this self-revealing experiment I can come to something that I will love.

Thanks for reading you three! Please, let me know if you want me to talk about something, I need ideas. Remember, I run out of those pretty fast and I want to keep this thing going. My next post is going to be on the question 'Why,' LeBron, or the World Cup. (Probably the latter) Have a great day and don't think too badly of me.